August 2008
5 posts
“She was drunk on power.
…and wine.”
– About her mother
“Even if I broke up with my boyfriend tomorrow… it wouldn’t really be...”
– on phasing people out
“We figured out the perfect name for our new boat: Cirrhosis of the River.”
me: so he's hot, right?
her: mmmm, yeah. but like 1990's hot.
me: wait, what does that mean?
her: basically, you just hooked up with AC Slater.
me: weird, because i always was more of a Zack Morris kind of girl. but then, they did share Kelly.. and that biker chick Tori, so one more overlap shouldn't be an issue.
July 2008
38 posts
heels.
Leaving guy friends house to meet up with new hook up
(in cab)
him: what are you doing?
me: oh switching into heels
him: really? what? why?
me: ya know dress it up a bit ha
him: so why didn't you wear the heels for me?
me: Because I know you like me for who I am
The art of lowered standards
A conversation with a beautiful, fun, interesting, girl on her new boyfriend
“And he was like so sweet like there was a big roach and he like killed it! So cute right? Then he only waited three days to call after our third date and he called me babe! OMG he is like so great.”
being completely serious.
If you are...
If you are guy older than 23 do not hang out with girls born past 1986…. even if you are a shady promoter. (ahem.)
Truism #4
If you are above the age of 22 don’t brag about how “awesome your jello shots are”.
“You’ll find it when you least expect it”
– people in relationships on meeting people…. shut the fuck up.
sms shiz.
me: Hey! what are you up to tonight?
Him: no plans yet, let's make out.
Truism #3
Speaking or texting in lolspeak is lame, really lame, like stop, seriously. bish plz.
Feedback
1. First of all never provide it. However, if you do… don’t do it like this.
“Last night you kicked over the stand at the end of your bed, my phone rang three times, you held out on groping and you slept immovably in the centre of the bed all night, once your hiccups had stopped…fun, let me know when sleepover is next”
I mean I am so turned on by...
the no text back.
me: so I texted this guy no doubt he would text back he didn't
matt: maybe he's traveling or he lost his phone or maybe he is dead?
me: omg!
matt: yea that's morbid
me: Actually I think I would prefer if he was dead.
Truism #2
Boys should never say “wow did you wax?” while hooking up. seriously mood killer.
hickup.
Him (trying to kiss)
ME: seriously I have the hickups
him: I don't notice
ME: seriously I might bite your tongue off
him: who cares (still trying)
me: seriously I think this is the most unsexy thing ever.
“Josh Hartnett and I have made out with a lot of the same girls.”
“well. egomaniac crazy is no good. happy crazy is awesome.”
– on firing a crazy employee.
lazy eye.
aussie(flirty): Wow you're sultry aren't you?
me: ummm... I think I just have a lazy eye.
“Go to bed and pray for brains.”
– a recent male acquaintance (via SMS)
on colonics.
judy: soooo how was it?
Jen: um horrible just like cold sweats… like being anally raped with a tube.
Judy: but its supposed to be good for your digestion, helps with colon cancer and stuff
Jen: I think I prefer the cancer.
“I am going to home wreck the shit out of that.”
– on Josh Hartnett and his girlfriend
“You have to meet my friend mary, she’s hot and she has a blog”
– overheard at work.
pillow case.
(uptown at a bar for the first time in years)
murray hill girl: you have cool style
me: thanks
murray hill girl: its like the other day there was this girl on the subway she was really skinny like tiny and was wearing a pillowcase with a belt
me: What? a pillowcase?
murray hill girl: yea like you know those skinny girls that can pull of anything... they just look cool I bet she lived in the east village or something...those crazy hipsters...they just like throw it together... but she was really skinny.. where do you live?
me: 13th and A
Truism #1
When a girl calls another girl “sweetie” it’s not a good thing.
5 year plan.
RussiaChick: I want to have kids like now... but I don't won't to work and I don't want to be married.
Me: You'll probably have to be on welfare then.
“It’s like travelocity but with men… he offered to take me to...”
– In reference to multiple men offering to take a girl on vacation
via SMS.
Seriously men are idiots.
Me: I am requesting your presence for drinks... bring your friends here
AustinPow: They are wallstreet types and clients you would hate them...
Me: MM I see good luck... text me when you get out.
Me (2 hours later): Jen + B are requesting your presence now.
AustinPow: Well since you aren't I'm not coming. night.
Me: What? I asked you earlier
(2 hourslater)
Me: :(
(1 hour later)
Me: Fine we are boycotting you! (clearly sarcastic)
(next morning 6 AM)
Him: Harsh considering my phone died, talk next week....
*(did not text this) NEXTWEEK! It's thursday? talk to you never is more like it.
no remorse.
I hate those couples on facebook that write on each other’s walls.
” I love you pooh bear, last night was so romantic!”
or status message
“My baby just sent me flowers!”
or
“I am with the most beautiful girl right now!, Jealous?” ….
SHUT THE FUCKUP….
However, today I am filled with satisfaction as said couple seems to have broken up or...
Nothing is sexier than a song about "using... →
Cheesefest
LatinLover: I don't understand why gay people have to have their own fucking parade it's ridiculous like get out of my face you are everywhere and I don't want to have to see you.
Me: How you feel about gays is how I feel about fucking cheesy trashy girls, they need to get out of my face...
LatinLover(mad): Yea but they don't have a fucking parade!
Me: Yea they do its every Saturday night on 27th Street and 10th avenue.
reach for the stars.
the grey area. →
Shit!
(Walking in Soho)
TallLovely: And I was with John at this party and then I was like what are you doing? this is so crazy...
Me: Yea...
TallLovely: and, Oh shit! (Loud)
Me: Oh man what happened?!
TallLovely: No,...shit, literally, you just stepped in it.
“I just saw a guy with a Tazmanian devil tattoo, wonder if he regrets it?”
– Me on Sunday to myself
“Enough of the formalities. This song and dance is reminiscent of the 50’s....”
– a former male friend (sent via SMS)
Me: So how was last night? Did he bite and pinch you again in the throes of passion?
Her: No, he was sober. We just watched tv.
Wine is the best medicine.
(getting bags out of trunk)
Me: What are you doing?
Saucy Aussie: (rubbing leg) I think I burnt myself on the exhaust of the car
Me: Oh my gosh it looks bad
(Saucy Aussie starts looking around)
Me: are you looking for neosporin?
Saucy Aussie: No a wine glass
“I’ve got a pocket, got a pocket full of Valium”
– med school student in the hamptons